By Susan Hamilton
Just when I think I have it all figured out, I get called on the mat. Know what I mean? I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day, and she literally had to say, “Susan, I would need someone to say this to me, so I’m going to do you a favor and say it to you. I give you permission to walk away from that opportunity to focus on your husband while he recovers.” It made me cry a little. Of course my husband of 20 years comes first. Of course I’d do anything to assist him through his pain. Of course NOTHING else matters but getting through this with compassion and understanding and telling every extra thing on my plate to wait in line.
But I was seriously struggling with whether or not my business would lack credibility if I had to back out of our first huge event. I was seriously looking at the tasks ahead of me as though I ‘just might’ be able to pull it off successfully. Her words stung. How could I have been willing to to gamble like that? On everything?
My personality says ‘you can do it’ until I’m just too tired to move. I kind of hate that about myself, but I have to acknowledge that people like that are the ones who get the tough stuff done. And tough stuff needs to get done. So we move forward through difficulties. Pretty sure that’s what ‘entrepreneur’ means.
Unfortunately, I have no looking glass. My gift of the prophetic does not equip me to estimate how many days are left until Randy’s pain freedom manifests. We expect it continually. I have to decide, every day until we see it, how I will choose to show up for him in his struggle. I will NOT be cruel. I will NOT disregard his emotional well-being. I will recognize when he feels defeated and do all I can to comfort him. I will NOT not be there when he needs me to stroke his beautiful hair and tell him how much he is loved. I WILL drop my evenings and weekends – working while he’s at work – and miss some networking and event opportunities. It’s just the way it is right now. And I’ve decided I won’t feel like I’m not doing enough in the process. I will manage my days even better. I’ll make time for meditating in the Word and walking and prayer and exercise and grocery shopping and laundry and cooking healthy meals. I will equip myself best I can, and I have tremendous peace with that decision.
Life is different today. We’re well on our way to full recovery, I have no doubt about that. But until he goes more than 2 days pain free, I’m going to be prepared for what lies ahead to the best of my ability. He’s been working since 2 weeks after his stroke. At first it was easy, now he can just make it through the day. Some days he’s highly functional until he passes out. Other days he mopes along till he can reach the couch and winces in pain for hours. I never saw this coming; he certainly didn’t.
When life hands you grenades, my friends, make sure you continually reset your priorities. They’re easy to screw up. I sure am grateful for friends who speak truth to me when my mind is letting too many thoughts run through it. I don’t want to forget to love when it matters the most.
“Be still, and know that I Am God.” Yes, I think I will. Love well. ~ Susan